When The Holidays Activate More Than Joy

A relational and embodied way of coping with the holidays

For many people, the holidays are not inherently stressful because of schedules, travel, or long to do lists.

They are stressful because they activate memories from earlier times in our life. Not just the kind you can name, but the kind your nervous system remembers. The memories are often complicated, just as the holiday season itself can be.

In my work as a therapist trained in EMDR and relational, embodied approaches, I see this every year. Clients arrive saying, “I don’t know why I feel so on edge,” or “Nothing is wrong, but my body feels like something is.” Or "it's really hard to be with my family even thought I love them and I want to be with them." That is not a failure of gratitude or mindset. That is your nervous system responding to old relational templates being reactivated.

Why the Holidays Hit the Nervous System So Hard

Holidays are deeply relational. They often involve family roles, expectations, traditions, and unspoken rules. For nervous systems shaped by inconsistency, emotional neglect, trauma, or chronic stress, these cues can signal vigilance rather than safety.

Your body may have learned long ago that this season required managing others’ emotions, staying emotionally on to keep the peace, over functioning to earn belonging, or bracing for disappointment or conflict. So when the holidays arrive, your system does not ask, “Is this different now?”It asks, “How do I survive this again?”

EMDR helps us understand this clearly. Past experiences do not live only as stories. They live as sensations, impulses, and emotional reflexes. The pressure you feel today may be linked to moments when you did not have choice, voice, or support.

An Embodied Shift From Coping to Safety

Many holiday coping strategies focus on endurance or numbing. Push through. Be positive. Lower expectations. While sometimes helpful, these approaches often bypass the deeper need underneath. Nervous system safety. Or coping ends up being an extra glass of wine, more time scrolling, less time in your body.

An embodied, relational approach asks something gentler.What does your body need in order to feel a little more resourced right now?

One way to support this is by orienting to choice. Trauma removes choice. Healing restores it. Before gatherings or obligations, pause and quietly notice what is optional, what has flexibility, and where you can step away or leave early. Even recognizing internal choice, such as reminding yourself that you do not have to emotionally engage in every moment, can soften activation.

Another support is tracking sensation rather than stories. If you notice anxiety, irritability, or shutdown, gently bring attention to the body. Notice where you feel it. Notice its texture or temperature. See if it shifts when you slow your breath or place a hand there. This kind of tracking, central to EMDR and somatic work, helps the brain register present time safety instead of looping in old threat. You are not trying to make it go away. You are letting your system know it is being listened to.

Support can also come through small moments of resourcing (an important part of the 8 phases of EMDR that helps create stablization). Regulation does not require anything dramatic. It might be stepping outside for fresh air, feeling your feet on the ground, texting someone who knows the real you, or letting your shoulders drop as you lengthen your exhale. These small signals of safety increase capacity in the nervous system.

Many people also carry an unspoken holiday role. Peacekeeper. Caretaker. Achiever. Emotional buffer. If that resonates, consider this reflection. Who would you be this season if you did not perform for belonging? You do not need to answer it perfectly. Simply noticing the question can loosen patterns that were once necessary but may no longer be. You may decide this is not the season to make changes in your family system. However, when you bring attention and awareness to these patterns you can start to make shifts when you are feeling grounded.

A Different Measure of Doing Well

Coping with holiday stress is not about loving every moment or getting through without activation. It is about noticing sooner, responding with more compassion, and recovering more quickly. If you find yourself needing more rest, more space, or more gentleness, that is not regression. It is wisdom.

Healing does not mean the holidays stop being complex. It means you are no longer abandoning yourself inside them.

A Short Embodied Practice for the Holidays

If you are feeling activated right now, pause for a moment.

Place one hand on your chest and one hand on your lower belly. Let your breath move naturally without forcing it.

Gently name five things you can see around you.Then notice three things you can feel in your body that are neutral or pleasant, such as the support of the chair, the warmth of your hands, or the steadiness of your breath.

As you exhale, imagine your body receiving the message, “I am here now. This moment is different.”

Stay for a few breaths longer than feels necessary.

You can return to this anytime your system needs a reminder of safety.

With Light and Love,

Allison